I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Vodka?
Forever.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
