when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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