Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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