My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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