Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
