dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
