I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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