this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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