I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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