I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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