maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
