I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
