I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
