I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
