Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
