Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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