3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
