I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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