Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
