i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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