Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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