i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
