Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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