Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
