I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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