I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They took my balls.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
