guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
