how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
