can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Less talking, more tequila
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
