its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
