8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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