Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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