how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
