Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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