I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
