Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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