TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
