my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
