I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
A bitchslap is in order.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
