i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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