when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
