If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
