I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
