i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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