I think my fart just growled at me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
