Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
