Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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