i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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