Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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