So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Is Oprah even human
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize