I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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