i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
