I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
