a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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