Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
